10 ways to really annoy your barista

Warning: there may be some minor vulagrities below. If you are easily offended, I advise not reading on.

I've been a Starbucks barista for two and a half years now. I am a "button-pusher". My job is "cushty". But despite everyone slating the "tax-evading" company I work for (just leave if you're that bothered), I'm pretty sure they would all stop functioning if their caffeine was taken away from them. I need a doppio espresso to kick start my day just as much as you need yours.

So, if you're heading to a coffee shop tomorrow and fancy being an arse, then the list below is a sure-fire way to get your coffee poisoned with urn cleaner. Enjoy.

10. Don't collect your drink
Your barista spent time making your drink and if they are like me, they actually put some effort into it. If you do decide to leave it on the counter for five minutes, don't moan if your cappuccino froth has sunk or your latte isn't quite hot enough. Certainly don't demand a new drink be made - we don't have time to correct your laziness.

9. Forget your order
 I have placed two drinks on the end of the bar. One is a decaf latte. The other is an iced mocha. Apart from these two drinks being completely different, it only took about 30 seconds from you being at the till before your drink was ready. How in the hell did you forget what you ordered that quickly?!

8. Complain about the price

Yes, I know a small latte is £2.65 and yes, that is more expensive than the Starbucks in the town centre. You have come to a Starbucks in a 4-star hotel with free parking. If you're that bothered, walk away. Don't spend five minutes looking at the board and then complain once I tell you the total cost. I agree, it's very expensive but your barista does put some effort into making it (this isn't your soluble instant coffee at home) and we can't change the price.

7. Bark orders to clean your table

I often get customers telling me their table is a mess and asking me to come clean it but a couple of weeks ago, a woman actually clicked her fingers at me and said: "CLEAN THIS!" I received no thanks or smiles. Sorry, did you want me to poison your coffee after I've cleaned your table?

6. Order a "dry cappuccino... Like, really dry - just foam."
Just foam? That's not really a cappuccino, mate. It's kind of more like a really large espresso macchiato..? Either way, it's a pain in the arse to make so once I have dirtied a spoon so I could stop any liquid from falling into your beverage, please PLEASE don't do the "weight test". The fact you even know how heavy your drink should feel is strange.

 5. Think you're above everyone because of your order
Omg. You drink a filter with no milk?! Fuck... You are badass.  Now, can you please stop shouting your order and looking around to make sure everyone can hear you..? And your friend should be able to drink her half shot latte without feeling belittled by you, you coffe snob.

4. Talk on the phone whilst ordering
I understand that your phone call is important but do you have to be so rude as to continue talking on it whilst trying to order? No offence, but I can't tell what you're mouthing at me. Would it be such a crime to tell them to hold for two seconds or wait until you have finished talking? And please don't give me a dirty look when I ask you what size you'd like - it's not my fault that you're on the phone.

3. Say you "don't care" when given options
"Erm, I'll have one of the frappuccinos."
"Which flavour would you like?"
"Oh... I don't care."
"Well do you like coffee or would you prefer it without the coffee?"
"I don't care."
"My personal favourite is the caramel coffee but if you don't want the coffee then the strawberries and cream is really refreshing."
"I really don't care. You pick."
"Okay... Medium size?"
*getting angry at me now* "I don't care!"
"Whipped cream?"
"Oh my god... There are too many questions. I don't care. Anything."
 
You get my frustration?

2. Flirt with your barista
I came to work to work not to have you sit at the end of the bar and tell me you'll "keep me safe at night" and ask if my mum is "as fit" as I am. I also know that I have put makeup on today and yes, I know I look good. In fact, I look sassy as fuck so you can stop telling me and winking at me. Let me do my job.

1. Ask us to do extra things to your order
"Sorry, can you put these sugars in the cup before you make it?"
No, I've already fucking made it. Get a stirring stick like everyone else.
"Can you stir my drink whilst you're pouring it?"
What difference will that even make?!
"Can you just cut that sandwich in half once it has toasted?"
We give you a knife and fork for a reason.
"Can I have a free shot of caramel?"
No.
"Come onnnn... I come in every week! Just a little caramel?"
Again, no.
"Can I have a mug of hot water and a spoon as well?"
I have a shortage of cups right now and I know you've brought your own porridge, you cheapskate.



  This post was inspired by a similar post that my old boss shared with me at the start of the year. I'd link you to it but I deleted all my texts at the start of summer.

Summer check list

I have a lot to do this summer and not a lot of money to do it with!

All photos in this post are blurry as they are from Instagram and only taken on an iPhone before I had my Canon 600D!

So the first thing I need to do is to get a job. I should be getting my old job at Starbucks back but my boss has just moved to a new store and a new manager has moved into my store. In the past, my old boss, Ionel (pronounced yo-nel - he is Romanian), kept me on the pay roll so I could work during the university holidays. I started working there when I was 17 during my A-levels and I worked my butt off. He grew to like me a lot and always gave me shifts when I needed them. Anyway, this new manager seems a little less friendly. I went in a couple of days ago to hand in my mobile number but he just didn't really seem to understand my position there. So I texted my old boss and asked him to put in a good word for me...

How lovely?! There are two other girls called Lauren that work there but I've been there the longest. I miss being a barista! I just want to work again. I'm such a worker bee. I've had a job since the age of 13 and it feels weird to not be working. Oh, how I miss coffee making!

The next thing on my to-do list is birthday presents! I have father's day and my dad's birthday right next to one another. I don't know whether to buy him a tree/plant, some new trainers, a gadget for his house or some aftershave/smelly product. Alternatively, we could go shopping in Manchester together. He is so difficult to shop for!

I then have my mum's birthday mid-July. Really unsure what to get her so I might speak to my auntie because my mum loves copying her older sister - which is totally understandable since my auntie always looks great. I usually opt for anything Clarins or Benefit but I want to switch it up a bit this year. She'll be 43 this year so she is still quite young. 

After mum, I have my uncle... Erm... Haven't a clue what to get him!

Then it's my Grandma's at the start of July. I might get a distressed-looking photo frame with a picture of me, my sister and my two cousins in it.

After that, I have my sister's 6th birthday. You'd think buying for children would be easy but it really isn't when she has pretty much everything you could possibly think of! 

(Sorry the photo is blurry!)

I look like a mole in that photo...

I want to start working on my third year project/dissertation. Since i'm studying journalism, we don't have to write an academic essay, though it is an option. I have decided to take the project approach and am going to create a magazine with original content and write 7000 words on it. This summer, I want to have sketched up a drawing of what each page will look like and have a few interviews in my back pocket ready to start making the magazine on QuarkXPress 10 when I get back to uni at the end of August. 

As part of my course, I need to get work experience at any newspaper, magazine etc. I wanted to go to a London-based magazine but I can't afford to travel into the city everyday for 4 weeks (as most internships last that long) and I think I'm babysitting my sister a bit anyway. So I'm going to ask my local newspaper if they will take me on for at least a week, hopefully two and then get the third compulsory week in December/January. I've tried emailing and phoning but they just won't get back to me so I'm going to go in as soon as my final exam is over... 

.so.much.shorthand.

Finally, I need to start driving again. I started to learn when I was 17 but ran out of money and had to pack it in. I'm now 20 and I only have one year left at university before I enter the real world and possibly need a car - not that I will be able to afford one! I texted my old driving instructor yesterday and asked if he could fit me in. He said yes but not until the first week of July, which is a bit of a nightmare. So my plan is to pass my theory test during June so I can get straight into driving without having to worry! I'd like to pass the driving test during the Christmas holidays... I'll keep you posted on my driving progress once I start!

I just feel like I have so much to do and not enough time or money to get it all done! Summer sounds busy, but that's just how I like it!