10 ways to really annoy your barista

Warning: there may be some minor vulagrities below. If you are easily offended, I advise not reading on.

I've been a Starbucks barista for two and a half years now. I am a "button-pusher". My job is "cushty". But despite everyone slating the "tax-evading" company I work for (just leave if you're that bothered), I'm pretty sure they would all stop functioning if their caffeine was taken away from them. I need a doppio espresso to kick start my day just as much as you need yours.

So, if you're heading to a coffee shop tomorrow and fancy being an arse, then the list below is a sure-fire way to get your coffee poisoned with urn cleaner. Enjoy.

10. Don't collect your drink
Your barista spent time making your drink and if they are like me, they actually put some effort into it. If you do decide to leave it on the counter for five minutes, don't moan if your cappuccino froth has sunk or your latte isn't quite hot enough. Certainly don't demand a new drink be made - we don't have time to correct your laziness.

9. Forget your order
 I have placed two drinks on the end of the bar. One is a decaf latte. The other is an iced mocha. Apart from these two drinks being completely different, it only took about 30 seconds from you being at the till before your drink was ready. How in the hell did you forget what you ordered that quickly?!

8. Complain about the price

Yes, I know a small latte is £2.65 and yes, that is more expensive than the Starbucks in the town centre. You have come to a Starbucks in a 4-star hotel with free parking. If you're that bothered, walk away. Don't spend five minutes looking at the board and then complain once I tell you the total cost. I agree, it's very expensive but your barista does put some effort into making it (this isn't your soluble instant coffee at home) and we can't change the price.

7. Bark orders to clean your table

I often get customers telling me their table is a mess and asking me to come clean it but a couple of weeks ago, a woman actually clicked her fingers at me and said: "CLEAN THIS!" I received no thanks or smiles. Sorry, did you want me to poison your coffee after I've cleaned your table?

6. Order a "dry cappuccino... Like, really dry - just foam."
Just foam? That's not really a cappuccino, mate. It's kind of more like a really large espresso macchiato..? Either way, it's a pain in the arse to make so once I have dirtied a spoon so I could stop any liquid from falling into your beverage, please PLEASE don't do the "weight test". The fact you even know how heavy your drink should feel is strange.

 5. Think you're above everyone because of your order
Omg. You drink a filter with no milk?! Fuck... You are badass.  Now, can you please stop shouting your order and looking around to make sure everyone can hear you..? And your friend should be able to drink her half shot latte without feeling belittled by you, you coffe snob.

4. Talk on the phone whilst ordering
I understand that your phone call is important but do you have to be so rude as to continue talking on it whilst trying to order? No offence, but I can't tell what you're mouthing at me. Would it be such a crime to tell them to hold for two seconds or wait until you have finished talking? And please don't give me a dirty look when I ask you what size you'd like - it's not my fault that you're on the phone.

3. Say you "don't care" when given options
"Erm, I'll have one of the frappuccinos."
"Which flavour would you like?"
"Oh... I don't care."
"Well do you like coffee or would you prefer it without the coffee?"
"I don't care."
"My personal favourite is the caramel coffee but if you don't want the coffee then the strawberries and cream is really refreshing."
"I really don't care. You pick."
"Okay... Medium size?"
*getting angry at me now* "I don't care!"
"Whipped cream?"
"Oh my god... There are too many questions. I don't care. Anything."
 
You get my frustration?

2. Flirt with your barista
I came to work to work not to have you sit at the end of the bar and tell me you'll "keep me safe at night" and ask if my mum is "as fit" as I am. I also know that I have put makeup on today and yes, I know I look good. In fact, I look sassy as fuck so you can stop telling me and winking at me. Let me do my job.

1. Ask us to do extra things to your order
"Sorry, can you put these sugars in the cup before you make it?"
No, I've already fucking made it. Get a stirring stick like everyone else.
"Can you stir my drink whilst you're pouring it?"
What difference will that even make?!
"Can you just cut that sandwich in half once it has toasted?"
We give you a knife and fork for a reason.
"Can I have a free shot of caramel?"
No.
"Come onnnn... I come in every week! Just a little caramel?"
Again, no.
"Can I have a mug of hot water and a spoon as well?"
I have a shortage of cups right now and I know you've brought your own porridge, you cheapskate.



  This post was inspired by a similar post that my old boss shared with me at the start of the year. I'd link you to it but I deleted all my texts at the start of summer.